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School refusal: where to start
When mornings turn into a daily battle, it is exhausting for everyone. The good news is that school refusal usually improves with the right support, and the earlier you start, the easier it tends to be.
Tummy aches every Monday. Tears at the school gate. A child who is dressed and ready one minute and refusing to get in the car the next. If this sounds familiar, you may be feeling worried, frustrated, guilty and worn out, often all before 9am.
Please know this is not a sign of bad parenting, and your child is not simply being naughty. School refusal, sometimes called school can’t, or emotionally based school avoidance, is almost always driven by distress. For many children, school has come to feel so overwhelming that their whole body is saying no.
What it can look like
- stomach aches, headaches, nausea or feeling sick on school mornings, which often ease once they are allowed to stay home
- tears, clinging, anger or panic at drop-off
- difficulty getting up, dressed or out the door
- Sunday night dread, or worries that build towards the end of holidays
- asking to be picked up early, or calling from the sick bay
- missing more and more days, or particular days or lessons
Why it happens
There is rarely one single cause. Often several things build up together. Common reasons include:
- Anxiety about schoolwork, tests, speaking in class, or getting things wrong
- Friendship difficulties or bullying, including online
- Separation worries, particularly after a change at home, an illness or a loss
- Sensory overwhelm: noise, crowds, bright lights and busy playgrounds can be exhausting, especially for neurodivergent children
- Learning difficulties that make the school day feel like a constant struggle
- Big changes, such as a new school, a new teacher, moving house or family separation
- Low mood, or feeling that they do not belong
Your child may not know why, or may not be able to explain it. That is very normal. Understanding usually comes gradually.
Where to start
- Stay calm and curious. Try to approach it as a problem you are solving together, not a battle to win. Your child needs to know you are on their side.
- Notice the pattern. Keep a simple note of which days are hardest, what happens just before, and what helps. This is invaluable information for you, the school and any professional you see.
- Talk to the school early. Ask for a meeting with the classroom teacher, and the wellbeing or student support team. Schools see this often, and most want to help.
- See your GP, to rule out any physical cause for aches and pains, and to talk about what is going on.
- Keep home days boring. If your child does stay home, keep it as close to a school day as you can: normal wake-up time, schoolwork, and no screens, games or outings during school hours. Home should not become more appealing than school.
Working with the school
A good support plan is usually built together. Things you might ask about include:
- a safe, trusted adult your child can go to when they arrive or when things feel hard
- a quiet space to go to if they feel overwhelmed
- a gentler start, such as arriving before the rush, or starting with a favourite lesson
- a gradual return plan, beginning with part days and building up
- a check-in routine with a teacher or wellbeing staff
- adjustments for learning or sensory needs
Staying connected to school, even in small ways, matters. Each step back is progress, however small it looks.
Mornings: small things that help
- prepare the night before: clothes, bag and lunch ready to go
- wake up with enough time, so mornings are not rushed
- keep your voice calm and your goodbyes short and warm
- acknowledge the feeling without letting it decide the day
- plan something small and nice to look forward to after school
Words you could use
“I can see school feels really hard right now. I believe you. We’re going to work this out together.”
“You don’t have to feel ready. You just have to take the next small step, and I’ll be with you.”
“Your worry is loud this morning. It’s telling you that you can’t do it, but I know you can manage this.”
When to seek extra support
If your child has been missing school for more than a couple of weeks, or the pattern keeps coming back, it is a good time to get extra help. The longer school refusal continues, the harder the return can feel, so there is no need to wait until it becomes severe.
In counselling and play therapy, children and young people can explore what is behind their worries, build skills to cope with anxious feelings, and gain confidence one step at a time. I also work alongside parents and, with your consent, can liaise with your child’s school so everyone is working together.
If your child ever talks about hurting themselves, or you are worried about their safety, call 000 or Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800.
This article is general information and isn't a substitute for professional advice.
Mornings feeling like a battle?
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