Supporting an anxious child at bedtime

If bedtime in your house has become a long stretch of “one more question”, tears, stomach aches or a child who keeps appearing in the hallway, you are far from alone. Bedtime is one of the most common times for anxiety to show up in children.

During the day, children are busy and distracted. At night, there is nothing to do but think, and a worried mind fills the space quickly.

What bedtime anxiety can look like

• stalling, lots of questions, or needing “one more” drink, story or hug
• stomach aches, headaches or feeling sick at bedtime
• fears of the dark, noises, monsters, burglars or something happening to you
• needing you to stay until they fall asleep, or coming into your bed during the night
• going over the day’s worries, or worrying about tomorrow
• difficulty falling asleep, or waking often

None of this means your child is being difficult. Anxiety is a real feeling in the body, and it genuinely makes it harder to switch off.

Build a calm, predictable routine

Anxious children feel safer when they know exactly what is coming next. The same simple steps, in the same order, each night, help their body learn that it is time to wind down.

• Keep it consistent: a similar bedtime each night, including weekends where you can.
• Start winding down early: about an hour before bed, dim the lights and move to quiet activities.
• Screens off: at least 30 to 60 minutes before bed. Screens keep the brain alert.
• Use the same steps each night: for example bath, pyjamas, teeth, story, cuddle, lights out. A picture chart can help younger children.
• Keep the last part of the evening warm and connected, so bedtime feels like closeness, not separation.

Give worries somewhere to go

Worries that have nowhere to go tend to show up at lights out. It helps to make time for them earlier in the evening, not in the last few minutes before sleep.

• Worry time: a set 10 minutes after dinner to talk about anything on their mind. At bedtime, you can gently say, “Let’s save that for worry time tomorrow.”
• A worry box or jar: they write or draw the worry, pop it in the box, and leave it there for the night.
• Worry dolls: a small doll or toy to tell the worry to, who “minds” it overnight.

Calming ideas for the body

• Balloon breathing: breathe in slowly through the nose to fill up a balloon in the tummy, then let it out slowly through the mouth. Five slow breaths is plenty.
• Squeeze and let go: squeeze toes, legs, fists and shoulders tight for a few seconds, then let them go floppy like spaghetti.
• A calm place: help them imagine somewhere safe and cosy, and describe what they can see, hear and feel there.
• Comfort objects: a special soft toy, a night light, or something that smells of you can all help.

Words you could use

“I can see you’re feeling worried. That’s okay. Your worry is trying to keep you safe, but you are safe right now.”

“Let’s put that worry in the worry box. It can stay there tonight, and we’ll look at it together tomorrow.”

“I’m right here in the house. I’ll come and check on you in five minutes.”

If your child needs you to stay

Many anxious children want a parent to stay until they fall asleep. Leaving suddenly can make the anxiety worse, so it often helps to step back gradually over a couple of weeks:

• sit on the bed, then on a chair beside the bed
• move the chair a little closer to the door each few nights
• then sit just outside the door
• then pop in to check on them at regular times, such as every five minutes, making the gap slightly longer as they settle

Checking back when you said you would builds trust. Your child learns that you really will come back, and slowly the worry loosens its grip.

Look after the whole day, too

Bedtime anxiety is often a sign of what is happening during the day. Plenty of daylight and physical activity, less sugar and caffeine in the afternoon, and time to connect with you after school all help. So does keeping your own voice calm and steady at bedtime, even when you are tired. Children borrow our calm.

When to seek extra support

It may be worth getting some help if bedtime worries continue for more than a few weeks, are getting worse rather than better, or are starting to affect your child during the day, such as tiredness at school, not wanting to go to school, or worries that spread into other areas of life.

Play therapy gives anxious children a safe place to explore their worries through play, and to build a sense of calm and control that they can take home with them. I also work alongside parents, so you have practical strategies that fit your child and your family.

This article is general information and isn't a substitute for professional advice. If you're worried about your child's safety, call 000 or Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800.