When a child will not talk about it

It can be painful to watch your child struggle and not know what is going on inside. You ask gently, and get a shrug. You ask again, and get “I’m fine” or a closed door. It is natural to worry that you are missing something, or doing something wrong.

You are not. Most children find it hard to talk about big feelings, and some find it very hard. That does not mean they cannot be reached. It usually means they need a different way in.

Why children go quiet

• They do not have the words yet. Young children often feel things long before they can name them. “I’m sad” or “I’m scared” can be surprisingly hard to say.
• They are protecting you. Children who sense a parent is stressed or upset will often keep things to themselves so as not to add to it.
• They feel ashamed or afraid of getting in trouble, especially if something happened at school or with friends.
• Talking makes it feel more real. Keeping quiet can feel safer than putting something frightening into words.
• Face-to-face questions feel like pressure, even when they are asked with love.

Ways to open the door

The aim is not to get your child to talk. It is to let them know you are there, and that it is safe to come to you when they are ready.

• Talk side by side, not face to face. Children often open up in the car, while drawing, building, cooking or walking the dog, when there is no eye contact and something else to focus on.
• Choose relaxed moments. Bedtime, bath time and car trips are often when children share the most.
• Notice rather than question. “You seemed quiet after school today” invites a response without demanding one.
• Share a little of yourself. “When I was your age, I used to get really nervous before tests” can make it easier for them to say “me too”.
• Offer other ways to express it. Drawing, writing a note, a feelings chart, or pointing to a number from 1 to 10 can all stand in for words.
• Keep your reaction calm when they do share something. If they see you get upset or angry, they may stop telling you.

Words you could try

“You don’t have to tell me anything. I just want you to know I’m here if you ever want to.”

“I’ve noticed things seem a bit hard at the moment. I’m not cross. I’d just like to help.”

“If it’s too hard to say, you could draw it, or write it down and give it to me later.”

What to avoid

• Pushing for answers or repeating the same question until they respond.
• Asking “why” questions (“Why are you upset?”). Children often genuinely do not know why.
• Filling the silence with your own guesses, or telling them how they must feel.
• Taking the silence personally. It is almost never a reflection of your relationship.

How play therapy can help

This is exactly where play therapy is at its best. In the play room, children do not need to explain themselves. They show what is going on through what they choose to play with, the stories they act out, the pictures they draw and the worlds they build in the sand tray.

Play is a child’s natural language. Over time, and at their own pace, many children who could not talk about something find they can play it out, and that is often the first step towards being able to talk about it too.

When to seek extra support

Every child goes quiet sometimes. It may be worth reaching out if the silence lasts more than a few weeks, or comes with other changes such as:

• changes in sleep, appetite or energy
• not wanting to go to school, or pulling away from friends
• more tears, anger or big reactions than usual
• going back to younger behaviours, like bedwetting or clinginess
• saying things that worry you about themselves or their safety

If you are ever worried about your child’s immediate safety, call 000. For urgent advice, you can call Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800, any time, day or night. It is free and confidential, and parents can call too.

This article is general information and isn't a substitute for professional advice.